Tonight – behind a door I listened as the audience excitedly settled into their seats, the music reached a crescendo then faded and for the first time in almost ten years the lights dropped and I walked out in blue… It was awful.
Three months ago I decided to stop taking Lexapro. I had been on it for over five years. Withdrawals were intense as the ho-hum fog lifted from me. Ok – so, I am not exactly sure what Lexapro does, I do know however that off it my mind seems about three times as active and when the panic hits it tends to take me much deeper than it does on it. So with my pre-frontal cortex slowly tingling back to life I decided I wanted to get back on stage and act in a play. Any play, any role. Hopefully it would be good, but it really didn’t matter. I had but one goal and that was to walk out a month and a half later on opening night without the assistance of medication. Check.
Ten years ago when I last performed on stage I had the misfortune of performing in a theater without a functional bathroom back stage. My stomach had been on fire all night and at intermission I raced out the back door and into the lobby to hit the bathroom before the audience could and see me. I stayed there in the fetal position until the audience made their way back into the theater then headed backstage via the street. Only once outside I realized all of the theater doors locked automatically. I spent the entire second act outside in my costume as another actor filled in for my part.
Tonight I performed a lead in a high energy comedy which required me to be on stage about 90% of the show. It was a struggle. For about 40 minutes prior to places I had been trying to act calm, half listening to my cast mates while silently repeating my first line over and over in my head. The plan was to just get out there and fire the first line out then once the shooting started hopefully instinct would take over. So when the lights dropped I physically forced my legs to carry me out there hit my mark and as they came up I blasted out my first line. Two hours later it was over and I took a Xanax. The show was fine, it wasn’t my best performance. But it felt so good to put myself out there and embrace the fear again. Despite how torturous it is for me at times I do love acting, perhaps it’s the challenge that makes me love it.
Only 20 more shows to go…
Just so we are on the same page everyone has stage jitters, butterflies, what have you. My anxiety/panic levels were akin to being trapped in small pine box with a starving Grizzly clawing its way through. I seriously thought death was eminent. I created this site originally as a place where individuals could share stories about pursuing their bliss despite the often tremendous discomfort which can accompany the fear of the unknown.
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